#42 "Space/Time Kissing Contest" October 12, 2011 in Color!

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So, people have been blogging about being waiters for as long as the internet has hosted blogs, so I feel like this one is just another drop in the bucket of blogs about waiting tables. I guess the most famous one is Waiter Rant, although that one lost its significance when the guy got fired/quit his restaurant and wrote a book about the whole thing. I read the book. At times I found it funny but as a waiter, maybe it was too close to home, but in actuality I imagined working with this clown and I ended up not liking the guy or the book very much. I recently found another blog that has been getting some legs on the interwebs called The Bitchy Waiter. Again, some funny and valid gripes about the industry, and again; thank the baby jesus I don't work with this clown. I hate my job just as much as the next guy, but I try to see the positive side of it as much as I can. Yes, I will get in the weeds and hate everyone on the earth and wish I could just be at home watching Frankenweenie, but I know that sooner or later I will be in that exact spot so why worry about it. I know that these guys are really just venting their frustration about work onto the internet for everyones enjoyment, and I am glad they are doing that. The internet should know when they are being obnoxious when they go out to dinner. In fact, everyone should read these blogs so as to learn restaurant manners. Think about it. Back in the days, most places didn't allow children. You had to wear a blazer to dinner, shorts and jeans weren't allowed, and the ladies had to wear dresses. Going out to dinner was an event, not a mere formality. Now, that being said, I am sure that waiters back then had it a lot worse than the waiters of today. For one thing, the tips were way smaller, but then so was the bill. I mean, everything was cheaper back then, so of course they are going to get smaller tips, if any at all. Also, the customers back then were all children of the Depression, so they were probably extremely tight with the old purse strings and very vocal about it. I still have customers like this. I attribute their curmudgeonly ways to them being older than dirt, but I bet some of them have been that way since they were young and hip. The moral of the story is that there is always going to be bad customers, just like there is always going to be bad waiters. So, no matter how much these guys rant and bitch about the customers being complete idiots, the situation is never going to change. People are always going to have crazy requests, and it's only going to get worse. Food allergies are way more common these days than ever before, special diets and food regimens, and low/no carb people aren't going anywhere. They are going to be around forever, and I'm sure a lot of them don't like to cook because even they find themselves obnoxious, so they'll be dining out tonight and every night henceforth. I guess the only thing that these bloggers and all waiters nationwide can hope for, is that the new generation of diners learns how to tip. I think all of these bloggers should recommend the Tip Calculator App for the smart phones. There should be sponsored links on the sidebars of their blogs and little plugs in all of the blog posts. I mean, all the kids have smart phones and the app is FREE! Because, let's face it, if you're always getting good tips, how much bitching are you really allowed to do?
Apparently, a lot. Sad emoticon.

#42 "Space/Time Kissing Contest" October 12, 2011

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This one didn't start with the wine stain. I'm not sure if the wine stain was on purpose or not, either. I am pretty sure, the girl on the bike and the fox were the first things drawn here. The fox was actually drawn by Tim's girlfriend Catherine. Or, it was a collaboration. That was when Tim and I still worked together on Sunday nights. I still work the bar on Sunday night, so if you're not doing anything on Sunday, come down and hang out with me. Tim couldn't take the jazz any more. That, and Sundays are a nice day to spend with loved ones, not at a bar or at work, which are one in the same when you work at Cafe Loup. I personally miss him working on Sunday night, as it is my favorite shift at the Loup. For me, it is because I am the bartender and I love being behind the bar. It is so much more enjoyable than waiting tables. It is very different, anyway, which is why I like it so much. Waiters get no respect, while bartenders get all the love. I think it's because the bartender is the last person between you and the booze. A waiter is but a middle man; if your waiter won't get you some booze, you can always bypass him and get it straight from the bartender. The bartender is the guy who can cut you off and throw you out as well. Generally, a waiter has to go through a manager to throw someone out, although I guess they have the power to cut you off as well; but then if you are sneaky, you could always just go straight to the bar! We no longer have a traditional "manager" at the Loup anymore. Ardes is the de facto manager, but she also owns the place, so she's wearing a bunch of hats. I like this about the Loup as I feel like there is a special place in hell for restaurant managers. I have been saying that for years although I stopped for  a while after our last manager died. But then I thought about it, and if there is a traditional hell, like the one portrayed in the Bible, than our last manager is definitely there. He was the poster boy for behavior that would warm up your seat in hell for you. After he died, we didn't get another manager. We have a couple people who are close to being management, but they don't want the title, the pay, or the responsibility. I don't blame them; that is one thankless job, which is probably why managers get the reputation as hell-bound jerks. If you think waiters get no respect, managers get less than no respect; they are in the negative integer column! They are the ones who police the staff, so obviously no one likes them. They have to be there when the place opens and stay until it closes, so when you have 18 hour days every day, you're going to get a little cranky and short tempered. I understand this, which is why I would never want to be a manager myself. I am perfectly happy to stay behind the bar on Sunday nights spilling wine on the Triple Dupe Pads and turning its stain into a one-eyed, ample breasted alien girl with a high pony tail and diddly-boppers, thank you very much. Now, if I could just get Tim to come back and work with me, it would be perfect!
All of that having been said, this one remains one of my all time favorite T&J drawings.

#39 "Tour De Franzia" July 24, 2011 (In Color!)

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I was going to start this blog off talking about Joshua Topolsky but then I got distracted and had to update my Twitter, FaceBook, Tumblr, and all the rest because he just inspires me to do that sort of thing. So here I am, a half hour later writing what I was going to write a while ago. The reason I bring up Mr. Topolsky is because, not only is he a sometime regular at the Cafe Loup, his reservation for sometime in March(?) of 2011 is written clearly in the bottom right hand corner of the picture above. I made it into a gravestone and I was going to take out the writing in post-production and put in something witty, but then Josh and his comrades kept coming in and being model customers so I decided to leave it in. I like that it is a gravestone now especially, since it says "Josh AOL Niwa(?) 18 9:00." This means that Mr. Topolsky was still writing for AOL's Engadget and was bringing in 17 of his closest associates (at 9pm, natch). When he started his new project, The Verge, he continued bringing in large parties, but I like that "Josh AOL" is now a gravestone, representing his time at AOL. When I turned that into a gravestone, I don't even think I knew who he was yet. It's funny when someone with relative fame comes in on a regular basis and you have no idea who this person is. This happened to me with John Slattery from Mad Men. I wasn't watching the show yet and I was waiting on this handsome dude when Edie came up to me and said, "That guy is on Mad Men." and I think my reply was something along the lines of, "shrug." Now that I have watched all of the episodes ever created, and Roger Sterling is my favorite character, I would probably have quite a different reaction to seeing him sitting at table 16. This goes for a lot of different people, although it's funny that this is something that affects us. My buddy Philip doesn't care who you are when you come into the Cafe Loup, to him they are just another customer. I like his attitude, but for me, if I know that you are some sort of celebutard, famous tech writer, author, musician, national/international figure, I am going to try to give you the greatest service ever. And I don't mean all the hoity-toity waiter nonsense that one would see in a five star restaurant; I mean the down-to-earth, amiable, and friendly service of the Cafe Loup. Because, for me, I want to see these people coming back to the Loup all the time. I want them to be my new regulars. Why, you ask? First and foremost, most of these people are good tippers. I could say, "Nuff Said" here but I won't. Instead I will go on to say that these kind of people are a pleasure to wait on because they know how to act in a restaurant. A lot of our regulars at the Loup are crotchety, grouchy, horribly needy, and evil. I can write this freely, because I know that these people do not read blogs, much less my blog. These are people who have been coming to the Loup since "it was at the old location" and still have no idea how to order or be polite. So, I'm not saying that all celebutards are good tippers and a delight to have in the restaurant; there are some who come in and the sight of them makes you cringe. I am merely saying that I really like people who come in the restaurant, make the job a pleasure and then leave a good tip. I guess if everyone was like this, and one was always only waiting on well behaved celebutards, waiting tables would be a more glamourous job and every wanna-be actress would want to be a waitress. Wait a minute.

#38 "Poseidon Adventure" In color!

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I never worked at a place like Cafe Loup before. I always call it a big, dysfunctional family because it really is. Someone on the interwebs once said, "You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family." This is indeed true at the old Cafe Loup, except our bosses choose the family for us. But once you are in, you can stay forever. I have been working there for 11 years now. That's right, eleven; with two ones. There have been others like me in the past that are still there in one form or another. We thought this would be a temporary position before something great happened to us and we would move on. Others like me thought that one couldn't possibly work in the same restaurant for more that a year or two. I had worked at several restaurants before the Cafe Loup, but most were seasonal places or places for me to save up a bunch of money before moving on to the next city or ski town. When I started at the Loup I intentionally didn't get close to my co-workers because I truly believed that I wasn't going to be working there for more than a year. I eventually became friends with a lot of my coworkers even when I "quit" the Loup in 2004. I moved to Cape Cod to shoot a movie and thought I was done with the Loup forever. However, after the movie was shot and it was time to edit, I realized I still needed a job, and the Loup took me back. In fact, I got all my old shifts back and it was as if nothing had happened. I did this for the next couple of years; quitting in the summer and getting rehired in the fall. I would go off on extended vacations and tours with my band and the Loup would always welcome me back with all my shifts intact. What other place on the planet would do that? Not only that, but no one ever gets fired. I have said that before here on this blog, but I have to reiterate because it is one of those things that is simply mind blowing. If you want to leave the Cafe Loup, you have to either die or quit outright. There are cases of people getting fired, for sure; but if you have been there for more than 6 months, you can expect to have a job there for the rest of your life, if you'd like. Whether you are good at your job or not; whether you are sober at work or not; whether you show up to work or not, you will always have a job at the Cafe Loup. It's an amazing place. My friend and ex-coworker Sara would freak out every 6 months and very sternly and very seriously tell me that I had to get out of there; that the Loup was a trap and I would never leave. Like the Hotel California, she said, we were all prisoners of our own device. The money is always good, so you never want to leave, and then there you are, eleven years later writing about it on the interwebs. Sara is right on the one hand; the Loup can be a Mobius strip of a place, with the same problems and solutions returning every week. However, on the other hand, it can act as a lighthouse and guide you into safe haven. I'm not saying that is what this drawing is about, but it damn well could be. 

#38 "Poseidon Adventure" July 14, 2011

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I couldn't come up with a cool name for this one. I was going to go with "All Hail King Neptune and His Water Breathers!" from the Plastic Beach album by Gorillaz but it's so long and no one in the picture seems to even know King Neptune there. It looks more like there is some sort of movie being filmed and the fisherman, mermaid, and little man are all the stars. King Neptune is maybe the Grip or the director; possibly the props manager. With that in mind, it should have a title that suggests it's Hollywood roots: "Poseidon Adventure" possibly. Actually, that might work. Let's go with that. So, now that I've worked that out in my mind and live on this blog, let's move on. It seems that the summer of 2011 was a very creative time for Tim and I. From #35 up until #42, all of these pieces seem to be very concise and if not well thought out, then at least well executed. As you will see as I post the next couple of T&J drawings, this little section of time is pretty good, if I do say so myself. One of my favorite parts about this one is King Neptune himself. Usually people draw him with a human head and a fish tail, but I thought it would be interesting to reverse this and give him a nice, freaky fish head. There are a lot of extremely scary fish in the sea. Luckily for us, as humans, we can't descend to the depths that these really scary looking fish live. We could come in contact with some real horrible things though; sharks, Orcas, and poisonous jellyfish are all pretty freaky. I personally have come in contact with some creepy things in my day. For instance, I saw a bunch of Barracudas down in the Caribbean. Even little fish can scare you if you are swimming and they sneak up on you, or you catch a glimpse of them out of the corner of your eye while submerged in the ocean. I think that is because the ocean is a very claustrophobic place, despite it's enormity. When you are submerged in the ocean, you can't see very well, you can't hear much of anything, and you can't breathe. All of these things combine for a borderline terrifying experience if you really think about it. People have been to the moon but they haven't explored the depths of the oceans yet. The first photographs of the Giant Squid weren't taken until 2004. The ocean is an alien world and it is right smack dab on this planet; it is the majority of the planet. And we know practically nothing about it.  I personally like to swim in the ocean, and I also enjoy diving deep out in the middle of the ocean. It is very scary though, but I feel like maybe that is why I enjoy doing it; I like to scare myself. Up to a limit of course. Anyway, when I first posted this on Bookface, only two people liked it! This was one of my favorite ones to date, and yet it got no love. Not that Tim and I do these for the accolades. We do these as an escape from work, first and foremost. However, I am always amused that a picture of a taco can get 100 likes and something like this only gets 2. Although, you haven't yet seen the color version yet, so maybe it's not good and only deserved 2 likes.