#55 "A Day at the Beach" In Color. April 24, 2013

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I wasn't allowed to watch "Jaws" when I was a kid. In fact, I never even saw the full movie until last year. I thought it was okay, kind of like two movies in one, with the first one being about a shark killing people and the second about people hunting for said shark. Nowadays, Lil' Stevie Spielberg would've broke it up into two (or three) movies and it would probably still be a summer blockbuster. I give it less than 10 years until they remake it. My uncle Jigger had the novel and I read the first couple chapters this past summer. It's pretty bad, although with the subject matter, it's no mystery how the movie became the blueprint for all future blockbusters.
I spent a lot of time on the beach as a kid, and so it's no wonder my mom didn't want me watching that movie. It would have probably scarred me a little bit and made going to the beach a chore for her, as I would be scared to go swimming because Jaws would obviously be waiting in the water and ready to eat me. I knew about the movie, of course. It was mythological to all kids my age, and kids would talk about it with the same reverence as King Kong and Godzilla. In the early 80's it was as famous as any previous movie monster had ever been (I know that it came out in 1975, but I wasn't born yet and by the time I was able to discuss these important topics in elementary school, it was almost 10 years old). But the thing that probably made Jaws scarier than the Wolfman or Dracula was that Jaws was real, sort of. Granted, Jaws was a caricature of the Great White shark, but (s)he was based on a real live living thing that actually is a threat to humans sometimes. People are still scared of sharks, and every summer, one of them attacks someone, chomping off an arm or nibbling on legs. This fact makes Jaws a timeless movie monster that will always be scary.
In this picture, however, the real monsters seem to be the people. I mean, there isn't even a shark pictured; or is there? Yes, there is a giant squid present but that is more out of the 1954 classic "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." That movie, I was allowed to see. I was allowed to watch a lot of Disney movies and those classic ones are sometimes pretty crazy. I don't remember much about the movie, but the squid attacking the Nautilus will always be with me. It might even be where this squid came from, although now that I think of it, there have been a couple of squids in my life that have been influential. The first, and scariest is obviously the one from the aforementioned movie, the second would have to be from the cover of They Might Be Giants album, Apollo 18. This album came out in 1992, a couple years after I was introduced to the band and listened to them almost solely until high school. The squid on the front cover is attacking a Sperm Whale, not unlike in the Museum of Natural History in New York City. Above the aquatic battle scene is the Apollo 18 moon landing craft. I always liked the bringing together of space and sea. I still do, as I find the two places eerily similar and sea creatures to be incredibly alien. In fact, more people have been to the moon than have been to the very bottom of the ocean. I think that is why people are so afraid of the ocean and the creatures that live within the ocean. The ocean is vast and seemingly endless, and then when you think of all of the things beneath the surface, it is a bit unnerving. The same can be said about space; the size is almost too big to even imagine and the lack of knowledge of what exists out there is fodder for a million more movies.
However, the guy at the end of the food chain seems to be the surfer dude. This seems unlikely, since most surfers seem to be pretty laid back and have a respect for all of the creatures of the ocean. This is not always the case, and there have been numerous accounts of surfer dudes being pretty awful, but the prevailing stereotype is that they are not actually monsters. Maybe this guy was in Swayze's surfer gang in the movie "Point Break" and he was the last remaining dude after Swayze caught the 100 year wave. Either that, or the guy really loves sushi style calamari. Regardless, the whole scene could be a pretty bizarre scene in some extremely surreal summer blockbuster.

#42 "Space/Time Kissing Contest" October 12, 2011 in Color!

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So, people have been blogging about being waiters for as long as the internet has hosted blogs, so I feel like this one is just another drop in the bucket of blogs about waiting tables. I guess the most famous one is Waiter Rant, although that one lost its significance when the guy got fired/quit his restaurant and wrote a book about the whole thing. I read the book. At times I found it funny but as a waiter, maybe it was too close to home, but in actuality I imagined working with this clown and I ended up not liking the guy or the book very much. I recently found another blog that has been getting some legs on the interwebs called The Bitchy Waiter. Again, some funny and valid gripes about the industry, and again; thank the baby jesus I don't work with this clown. I hate my job just as much as the next guy, but I try to see the positive side of it as much as I can. Yes, I will get in the weeds and hate everyone on the earth and wish I could just be at home watching Frankenweenie, but I know that sooner or later I will be in that exact spot so why worry about it. I know that these guys are really just venting their frustration about work onto the internet for everyones enjoyment, and I am glad they are doing that. The internet should know when they are being obnoxious when they go out to dinner. In fact, everyone should read these blogs so as to learn restaurant manners. Think about it. Back in the days, most places didn't allow children. You had to wear a blazer to dinner, shorts and jeans weren't allowed, and the ladies had to wear dresses. Going out to dinner was an event, not a mere formality. Now, that being said, I am sure that waiters back then had it a lot worse than the waiters of today. For one thing, the tips were way smaller, but then so was the bill. I mean, everything was cheaper back then, so of course they are going to get smaller tips, if any at all. Also, the customers back then were all children of the Depression, so they were probably extremely tight with the old purse strings and very vocal about it. I still have customers like this. I attribute their curmudgeonly ways to them being older than dirt, but I bet some of them have been that way since they were young and hip. The moral of the story is that there is always going to be bad customers, just like there is always going to be bad waiters. So, no matter how much these guys rant and bitch about the customers being complete idiots, the situation is never going to change. People are always going to have crazy requests, and it's only going to get worse. Food allergies are way more common these days than ever before, special diets and food regimens, and low/no carb people aren't going anywhere. They are going to be around forever, and I'm sure a lot of them don't like to cook because even they find themselves obnoxious, so they'll be dining out tonight and every night henceforth. I guess the only thing that these bloggers and all waiters nationwide can hope for, is that the new generation of diners learns how to tip. I think all of these bloggers should recommend the Tip Calculator App for the smart phones. There should be sponsored links on the sidebars of their blogs and little plugs in all of the blog posts. I mean, all the kids have smart phones and the app is FREE! Because, let's face it, if you're always getting good tips, how much bitching are you really allowed to do?
Apparently, a lot. Sad emoticon.

#42 "Space/Time Kissing Contest" October 12, 2011

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This one didn't start with the wine stain. I'm not sure if the wine stain was on purpose or not, either. I am pretty sure, the girl on the bike and the fox were the first things drawn here. The fox was actually drawn by Tim's girlfriend Catherine. Or, it was a collaboration. That was when Tim and I still worked together on Sunday nights. I still work the bar on Sunday night, so if you're not doing anything on Sunday, come down and hang out with me. Tim couldn't take the jazz any more. That, and Sundays are a nice day to spend with loved ones, not at a bar or at work, which are one in the same when you work at Cafe Loup. I personally miss him working on Sunday night, as it is my favorite shift at the Loup. For me, it is because I am the bartender and I love being behind the bar. It is so much more enjoyable than waiting tables. It is very different, anyway, which is why I like it so much. Waiters get no respect, while bartenders get all the love. I think it's because the bartender is the last person between you and the booze. A waiter is but a middle man; if your waiter won't get you some booze, you can always bypass him and get it straight from the bartender. The bartender is the guy who can cut you off and throw you out as well. Generally, a waiter has to go through a manager to throw someone out, although I guess they have the power to cut you off as well; but then if you are sneaky, you could always just go straight to the bar! We no longer have a traditional "manager" at the Loup anymore. Ardes is the de facto manager, but she also owns the place, so she's wearing a bunch of hats. I like this about the Loup as I feel like there is a special place in hell for restaurant managers. I have been saying that for years although I stopped for  a while after our last manager died. But then I thought about it, and if there is a traditional hell, like the one portrayed in the Bible, than our last manager is definitely there. He was the poster boy for behavior that would warm up your seat in hell for you. After he died, we didn't get another manager. We have a couple people who are close to being management, but they don't want the title, the pay, or the responsibility. I don't blame them; that is one thankless job, which is probably why managers get the reputation as hell-bound jerks. If you think waiters get no respect, managers get less than no respect; they are in the negative integer column! They are the ones who police the staff, so obviously no one likes them. They have to be there when the place opens and stay until it closes, so when you have 18 hour days every day, you're going to get a little cranky and short tempered. I understand this, which is why I would never want to be a manager myself. I am perfectly happy to stay behind the bar on Sunday nights spilling wine on the Triple Dupe Pads and turning its stain into a one-eyed, ample breasted alien girl with a high pony tail and diddly-boppers, thank you very much. Now, if I could just get Tim to come back and work with me, it would be perfect!
All of that having been said, this one remains one of my all time favorite T&J drawings.

#40 "Motivationally Speaking" July 31, 2011 In Color.

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So, then there's marijuana. Right smack dab in the middle of this drawing is a large, pink bong who's smoke is turning into a many-toothed, one eyed monster who is being eaten by another monster of similar variety but of a different color. This could only be imagined by someone actually smoking the bong at the top of the page, right? Yes, and no. We don't actually have a bong at the Cafe Loup. In fact, the last time I saw a bong like that (other than on St. Mark's or in the head shop) was probably in college, filled with a mixture of water and Vick's VapoRub. Anyway, smoking weed at work is one of the worst things one can do for themselves. As a waiter you have to interact with all sorts of people,  do math equations and speed and timing is of the utmost importance; all of which can be highly stressful and uncomfortable while high on the wacky tabacky. One time I was working at a place called Clancy's on Cape Cod. This was a no-nonsense place where we were busting out 300 dinners a night and the pace was frenetic. Every waiter was required to work one lunch shift a week because no one actually wanted to work lunch. The shift was not financially viable and the slowness and nice weather during the summer made it a grim shift. So, one day I decided to try out some pot brownies I made right before going in to work my lunch shift at the restaurant. I only took a tiny corner because I didn't know how strong the brownies were and didn't want to be baked at work. Well, as you can imagine, I was baked at work. The brownies kicked in right about the time we opened up, after all the coffee and sidework. And wouldn't you know it, we got slammed. I was running all over the place trying to make things work. I was forgetting everything possible so I had to make 3 trips where usually I could do it all in one. The cooks all knew I was wasted so they kept messing with me and then when we were all in the weeds, their fascination turned ugly and insulting. All of this made for the worst shift of my life. After that day, I always thought that if there was a hell, that's what I would be doing; an endless lunch shift that's increibly busy, with the worst customers, bad tips, and stoned to the bone. Forever.
Now, in general, there is a lot of pot smoking in the restaurant business. That dude from Waiter Rant is always talking about dishwashers smoking weed, where the waiters prefer the booze. I would say that that is probably pretty accurate, except at the Loup. Our dishwashers are certainly stone free, although we used to have some dudes who liked to smoke a lot. I think there is a description somewhere in the archives about one of them getting me so high I had to sit at the bar, not talk to anyone and draw one of these drawings.  However, those days are gone, and there are only a handful of stoners left at the Loup. I'm not sure if that is because everyones getting old or if it is merely a coincidence. I, however, would recommend marijuana to anyone who wants to, or is currently waiting tables. Maybe not during service, but certainly afterwards. I really feel like it gives you some perspective into your day. Yes, it may have been a difficult shift for many hours. Yes, your co-workers may have ripped you off and been complete idiots on the floor. Yes, you may have been stiffed by a bunch of old people who were nasty in the first place and even nastier after that second Manhattan. Yes, all of this and more may have happened, but now all the customers are gone, the co-workers are gone, you have a pocket full of money and you are really, really high. All of that petty nonsense can be washed away and let go. Everything is going to be A-Okay.
That is, until your next shift. And then it starts all over again. Better restock!

(P.S. I was really happy to bring the "Brooklyn Ol'Dirty Bastards" football team back for this one. Some of you might remember this football team from Tim & Jeremy #7. If Brooklyn ever gets a professional football team, I hope they take this team name into consideration.)

#40 "Motivationally Speaking" July 31, 2011

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When I first started working at the Cafe Loup in February of 2002, one could still smoke in restaurants and bars in New York. We had a smoking section up front and you could smoke at the bar as well. Some of the bar tenders smoked behind the bar and we as waiters could smoke at the bar, right at the end closest to the Waiters Station. It's funny to think that at one time, you could be waiting on someone not two feet away and take a cigerette break right in front of them. They wouldn't even mind, and in more than one case, someone would need something, notice you were smoking and give a gesture indicating that whatever they needed could wait until you were done with your smoke break. When smoking was going to be banned, all the smokers were in an outrage. We thought that we were going to lose a ton of business at the Loup. People were talking about how it would never catch on, that the smokers would win, that the ban would be overturned and the smoking sections would stay. Well, the ban came and went and I think the only customer who we actually lost was Dany Levy. Lloyd would lament the loss as, "She was using me for my smoking section." Ten years later, one forgets that you could smoke in restaurants; it seems insane that you were ever aloud to in the first place. I am a smoker of many years. I quit in December, but even as a smoker, I have a hard time imaging that past reality. I think of all the people who complain about the music being loud and all kinds of other insane complaints and I can't believe that these people ever went out to eat while smoking was allowed in restaurants. I guess people didn't know any better at the time and so it was a given, and it was part of going out. That is really the only explanation I can think of. That, or they were the people who initiated the ban. I personally like that this happened. I remember going out to bars back then and waking up nauseous at the smell of my clothes and hair. Everything always smelled like stale ash, and I was one of the people who was contributing to the problem and loving it.
So here we are ten years later and one can still smoke at the Cafe Loup, but you have to know when. It's one of our awesome little secrets that when it is found out by a non-regular, is news so good, it's as if we told them they won the lottery. These people get so excited, they wax nostalgic about how smoking and drinking go hand in hand and that's the way the world should be. They talk whimsically of dividing the country into two states, smoking and non-smoking. They look off into the distance of the back bar and talk about the old days, the good old days and the nights they can't remember anymore. Granted, this is a very secret and hard to come by secret for the customers of the Cafe Loup. We, as employees, were never banned from smoking inside the Loup. We have always been able to smoke there, and as long as Lloyd continues to smoke, we will always be able to smoke there. We can't take our smoke breaks at the bar during service anymore... well, actually, we can and do just that at certain times of the day. We smoke inside during service, and the customers are never aware of it. It's at times like this that one really thinks about the secret lives of New Yorkers. So much happens behind the scenes of every place in New York, one can hardly comprehend it. Smoking is just the tip of the iceberg. 

#39 "Tour De Franzia" July 24, 2011 (In Color!)

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I was going to start this blog off talking about Joshua Topolsky but then I got distracted and had to update my Twitter, FaceBook, Tumblr, and all the rest because he just inspires me to do that sort of thing. So here I am, a half hour later writing what I was going to write a while ago. The reason I bring up Mr. Topolsky is because, not only is he a sometime regular at the Cafe Loup, his reservation for sometime in March(?) of 2011 is written clearly in the bottom right hand corner of the picture above. I made it into a gravestone and I was going to take out the writing in post-production and put in something witty, but then Josh and his comrades kept coming in and being model customers so I decided to leave it in. I like that it is a gravestone now especially, since it says "Josh AOL Niwa(?) 18 9:00." This means that Mr. Topolsky was still writing for AOL's Engadget and was bringing in 17 of his closest associates (at 9pm, natch). When he started his new project, The Verge, he continued bringing in large parties, but I like that "Josh AOL" is now a gravestone, representing his time at AOL. When I turned that into a gravestone, I don't even think I knew who he was yet. It's funny when someone with relative fame comes in on a regular basis and you have no idea who this person is. This happened to me with John Slattery from Mad Men. I wasn't watching the show yet and I was waiting on this handsome dude when Edie came up to me and said, "That guy is on Mad Men." and I think my reply was something along the lines of, "shrug." Now that I have watched all of the episodes ever created, and Roger Sterling is my favorite character, I would probably have quite a different reaction to seeing him sitting at table 16. This goes for a lot of different people, although it's funny that this is something that affects us. My buddy Philip doesn't care who you are when you come into the Cafe Loup, to him they are just another customer. I like his attitude, but for me, if I know that you are some sort of celebutard, famous tech writer, author, musician, national/international figure, I am going to try to give you the greatest service ever. And I don't mean all the hoity-toity waiter nonsense that one would see in a five star restaurant; I mean the down-to-earth, amiable, and friendly service of the Cafe Loup. Because, for me, I want to see these people coming back to the Loup all the time. I want them to be my new regulars. Why, you ask? First and foremost, most of these people are good tippers. I could say, "Nuff Said" here but I won't. Instead I will go on to say that these kind of people are a pleasure to wait on because they know how to act in a restaurant. A lot of our regulars at the Loup are crotchety, grouchy, horribly needy, and evil. I can write this freely, because I know that these people do not read blogs, much less my blog. These are people who have been coming to the Loup since "it was at the old location" and still have no idea how to order or be polite. So, I'm not saying that all celebutards are good tippers and a delight to have in the restaurant; there are some who come in and the sight of them makes you cringe. I am merely saying that I really like people who come in the restaurant, make the job a pleasure and then leave a good tip. I guess if everyone was like this, and one was always only waiting on well behaved celebutards, waiting tables would be a more glamourous job and every wanna-be actress would want to be a waitress. Wait a minute.